Standing One’s Ground

Considering my last post and/or my meandering career, somebody recently called me a very confused lady. Yes, it may appear that way, that I’m unsure about what I wish to do with my life, and so jump from one available opportunity to the next. However, that is not the case. I have always had clarity about the fact that I loved art and wanted to be engaged in it. As a child, I knew I wanted to be an artist. I had that clarity, I remember even now, when I was 12 or 13 and found out there was a good art teacher just 10 minutes away by walk. I recall taking the tuition fee for the class from my mother and walking to the class with my sister by ourselves. We both signed up, and attended a few classes, always walking to the classes by ourselves. Being childish yet, I didn’t know at the time the value of persistence and discipline, and so after a few classes, I didn’t go again, and no one at home said anything about that. Again when I was in class 10, about 15 years old, I remember drawing a perfect potato in my science record and feeling something new by people’s feedback - that was the first time I was conscious of being appreciated for something I had done or drawn. I was reminded again of the fact that I wanted to become an artist. Come college entrance time, I distinctly recall being emphatic about wanting to study art. But there was no internet then, and no readily available source of information on options open to one. We just knew of the one popular college in the city that taught art and tried only there. But we were a day or so late, and missed applying for the qualifying exam in time. What I got was admission in a near by college to study Psychology. I still remember the day we had gone to sign up, I was sitting under a shamiana (temporary outdoor shelter) in the heat, feeling very depressed because I knew Psychology was not what I wanted to do, even as my parents were busy paying the fees and completing the formalities. Yes, I had clarity then, too. What I did not have was enough awareness or courage to speak up and stand up for my clarity. And so I let it slide. To keep the peace, one learns to please others even at the cost of one’s own pleasure. But that is what we are trained to do when we live in a “society”, especially when one is a girl in a typical Indian society. We are conditioned to believing we are not important enough, and that its best if we stay quiet and do what is expected of one. We are conditioned to stay small, to ignore our own clarity and wisdom, because that is what suits the world around us. That is what keeps the peace. And since that is how one learns to treat oneself, I too never gave my self or my wants or preferences any weight. We just let it all slide. Society around us is conditioned to believing that boys are the real children, boys are important. Girls are to be tolerated till marriage spares everyone the need to do so any more. At least that was how it was when I was younger. I’m so glad things are changing now. 

My seemingly gypsy existence was thus not a result of not having any clarity. On the contrary, it has been the result of having complete clarity when I was in those jobs that I was not in the right place, that something was just not right. What  I lacked was not, never has been clarity. What I have lacked was self-belief, courage, confidence, and self-importance to stand up for my true desires. Basically what I have lacked is enough self-love to protect and support myself. That is something I’m healing right now, via my art, my meditation, and writing. Yes, ironically, engaging with art has helped me find myself and all those missing parts of me that have been required to be strong enough, determined enough, to take my power back from “society”, and stand up for who I truly am.